Weight
by ksfd89
Summary: A fic about Lorelai coping with Richard's death with Luke. A little Literati too.


**Fic about Lorelai's reaction to Richard' death. A little Rory/Jess too.**

The room is dark. The sun has started setting but Lorelai hasn't drawn the curtains and shadows draw deep across the room.

"You have to eat something."

Luke sets down a plate on the table near Lorelai's head and she turns away.

"No I don't."

Luke pauses, slowly sitting down beside her on the bed. If this were any other day he'd make a joke but instead he says gently,

"You haven't eaten all day."

"Aren't you always telling me to eat less?" Lorelai snaps, not looking up. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does," Luke says, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You need to eat."

"No, I don't!" Lorelai shouts, tearing her face from the pillow and sitting up. "I don't need to eat and I don't want to eat because my father is dead!"

"Lorelai -"

"He's dead," Lorelai says, new tears leaking from her eyes. "He's gone and he's never coming back and nothing else matters right now. I don't want to eat anything. I can't."

"Lorelai, you didn't eat anything this morning or at the wake. Please. Just one fry."

"Didn't you hear me?" Lorelai shouts. "My father has died and dammit, if he were here, he'd be yelling at me for even eating any of that. He hates junk food, he keeps telling me I have to refine my palate, whatever the hell that means and..."

Lorelai's voice trails off and she wipes her nose with her sleeve.

"That's what he said," she says, voice wobbling. "Only he can't say or think that ever again. He can't think at all, Luke. He's gone."

The anger fades from Lorelai's face and her eyes widen, making her look like a little girl. Luke moves closer to her, putting his arm around hers.

"I know," he says quietly. "I know."

"He's gone," Lorelai says helplessly. "He's just gone and it's wrong, Luke, it's not fair. And I know he was happy and he loved my mom and he saw Rory grow up but I keep thinking about how it's not enough. I can't change it."

"Change what?"

"Change me," Lorelai sobs. "Be a better daughter."

"Lorelai, I didn't know your father well, but he did not want to change you," Luke says firmly. "He loved you."

"I know he loved me but he didn't like what I did with my life," Lorelai says, her voice starting to waver again. "I wasn't the daughter he wanted."

"Yes, you were."

"No I wasn't!" Lorelai laughs, her voice catching. "He wanted a daughter who'd want the life he set out for her. I was supposed to follow the rules. All he wanted was for me to wear pretty dresses, drink tea with my mother, come out to society and marry a rich man and I'm sorry, honey, but you're not it."

Luke smiles but Lorelai goes on,

"I didn't do any of that. I hated all of that. When I was a kid, I mean before puberty got in the way, we were close - closer than now, anyway. I'd go in my father's office and we'd read the paper together or play chess and he'd tell me I was so smart, but then he'd get mad at me for messing up the dress my mom picked out, or for hiding from the ladies in the DAR. And then I became a teenager and we never hung out anymore and I was too busy making horrible fashion choices or getting in trouble with guys. And then, the kicker. I got pregnant."

"Lorelai."

"And even worse, I wouldn't get married," Lorelai says, ignoring him. "He was so mad, so disappointed, but I think maybe he'd have forgiven me if I married Christopher, which of course I couldn't. And I couldn't stay in that house with him and my mother any longer so I left and, well, you know the rest. I was his biggest embarrassment."

"Lorelai, that is not true," Luke says, making her look at him. "I know you and your dad had your differences and I know it was complicated, but I'm sure he was proud of you."

"Proud of me?" Lorelai cries. "He loved his life, he lived for that world and his only daughter ran from it as soon as she could. He hated the way I lived, what I wore and what I ate and every time I'd go there for dinner I'd see it, that look in his eye. That look of him wondering what went wrong."

"He didn't think that."

"Yes he did, of course he did," Lorelai sobs. "He was my father, I knew him. Every so often we'd have a moment, where we weren't bored or wanting to throw one of Mom's china statues at each other, and we'd be having fun, but they'd last, like, a minute. And then I'd screw up or he'd be an ass and we'd be back to how it always was, every single time."

"Lorelai."

"I was a horrible daughter," Lorelai sobs. "He should've gotten Rory."

"No."

"He adored Rory," Lorelai says, looking up. "They loved each other so much, they had such a bond. She liked hearing about all those obscure authors or going to the club with him and she was doing everything right."

"Lorelai, Rory made mistakes too," Luke says carefully. "Neither of you are perfect."

"Oh, I know she screwed up," Lorelai agrees, wiping her eyes. "But her screw-up didn't land her with a baby at sixteen or not speaking for fifteen years. She made it right. She went back to Yale - she managed to go to Yale, hell, she graduated high school - and then she got a job. And I know in my father's world, she'd also be married by now with a kid or two but she's done so well and he knows it. Knew it, I mean. You should have heard him talk about her. He'd print off every single article she wrote and laminate it, even the small ones, and when guests came to dinner he'd bring the folder out. He was so proud of her."

"He was proud of both of you," Luke says, squeezing her shoulder. "Maybe he didn't know how to say it, but he was proud of you. He saw you get your diploma, get the Dragonfly. He saw how well you did with Rory."

Lorelai is silent, tears pouring and Luke adds,

"When Rory messed up, that time, I didn't stop being proud of her. I know I'm not her dad, but I - you know what I mean. And if April screwed up, I'd feel the same."

"Luke."

"Do you remember the time your dad took me to play golf?" Luke asks. "It was a long, horrific day but I knew what he was doing. He was seeing if I was good enough for you."

"He wanted someone from their world to marry me."

"Because he wanted the best for you," Luke says gently. "And because he was proud of you."

Lorelai sniffles, staring ahead.

"You know, my father took Rory golfing once," she says, breaking the silence. "I don't know if you remember."

"I do. She wore that crazy hat."

"Right," Lorelai says, the smallest of smiles on her face. "Well, I was so sure she'd hate it. I know Rory's her own person but she was barely sixteen, that day, and we hadn't been back in touch with my parents for long. She spent the whole day with my dad at the club and I just assumed she'd hate it. Neither of them wanted to go. And then she came back with this big smile and she'd had a wonderful time, bonding with my father, even though she couldn't play golf, and I found it weird. I got jealous. Even though I knew it was crazy and I should be happy for them, I couldn't help it, and I don't think I ever really stopped."

Lorelai lets out a hiccupping sob and exclaims,

"I just wish, sometimes, we could have made it right, my father and I, and now we can't."

She covers her face with her hands and Luke holds her, kissing her head.

"Lorelai, you're thinking the worst because of what's happened."

"No," Lorelai sobs. "When Gran died, Dad was a mess because their last conversation was a fight. I told him that fighting didn't take away the rest of their great relationship, how close they were but with us, it was the opposite. Most of our relationship was being mad with each other."

"It wasn't all it was."

"We weren't close," Lorelai insists. "I wasn't what he hoped for."

"But your father would never change you," Luke says. "I know you were different, but your dad loved you so much, Lorelai. He could never see you as a disappointment."

"How do you know?" Lorelai sobs and Luke says firmly,

"I just do. Trust me."

Lorelai cries messily onto his shoulder and, when she looks up, she says,

"It's not fair."

"I know."

"It feels like some kind of sick joke," Lorelai says, shaking her head. "Like any minute he and Mom will come in, laughing their heads off. It'll be some kind of morbid humour that they liked freaking me and Rory out with. Oh, God. Do you think we should call Rory?"

"She might still be driving."

"You're right," Lorelai says and her face crumples into more tears. "Rory's lost him too."

"I know."

"Now they were close," Lorelai tells him through her tears. "You know that. They had everything right and this...it's so unfair Luke. It's so screwed up. They should have had longer together. It wasn't long enough. Rory might get married some day, or have kids, in the right time, not like me, and Dad won't see it. He won't see any of it like he did with me."

"I know," Luke says gently. "But he did get to see her grow up."

"He didn't see her when she was a kid," Lorelai cries. "He'd only see her two or three times a year, before she started Chilton. That's fifteen whole years."

"But they had such a great relationship," Luke argues. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it matters, of course it matters!" Lorelai exclaims. "She's not going to have any more time with him and they didn't have enough. I remember when he had angina that time, you know, when you made me the Santa burger, and he got sick at the Christmas party and we were so scared. Rory was only just getting to know him and she should have had longer."

"Lorelai, he saw her grow into who she is now," Luke says, taking her hand. "Remember all that stuff you told me, about the golfing and the books and printing off all her articles? They had all of that. He got to see her become a journalist."

Lorelai is silent and Luke encourages,

"Remember when they were fighting, after Rory let her dad pay for Yale and they didn't speak? You made them make up. You did that. The rest isn't important."

"But it's not fair," Lorelai says, squeezing her eyes shut. "Rory's just turned thirty and they should have had longer. She'll never celebrate another birthday with him there. She'll never write another great article he can read. She's going to go on doing all these amazing things without her grandfather there."

Luke makes a sympathetic sound and Lorelai asks,

"What's Rory going to do? She needs him. She loves her grandfather. She shouldn't have driven back tonight, it's too far. She shouldn't be driving. She should be here."

"Jess is driving," Luke reminds her. "He's looking after her."

"What if she's scared?" Lorelai asks in a small voice. "What if she needs me?"

"Then Jess will drive her right back. Or we can drive there."

"I don't want to go anywhere," Lorelai says, suddenly tired. "It just hurts - Luke, I have this ache all over."

"I know. You should rest."

"I can't rest," Lorelai says, tears glistening on her eyelashes. "There's still so much to do. I need to go to Mom's tomorrow and start packing away the flowers."

"The maid can do that."

"I should be there and anyway, I need to start work on Dad's things - what he wanted us to keep. We stopped with the post-its."

"What?"

"Never mind, you weren't there. I just have to see what he wants us to keep."

"Do you think it's a little soon?" Luke asks, tucking a hair behind her ear. "The funeral was only today."

"Dad liked things in order. Do you think he'd have liked the service?"

"It was a beautiful service. He'd have loved it."

"I don't know," Lorelai says with a snort. "He'd have hated half the people who showed up. Said we were wasting our time and drink with them."

"It was a great funeral, Lorelai. Not that funerals are great, but -"

"Thank you," Lorelai says quietly. "I hope so. Mom criticised half of it."

"Your mother was upset."

"Mom is a mess," Lorelai said. "I can't make it better. How can I? She needs him. When they separated it was just so wrong, but they were able to go back to each other. They can't now. What's my mom going to do? What are we going to do?"

Lorelai ducks her head as more tears fall.

"She needs my dad," she sobs. "I know I always said I hated that life but it's my mom's life and she needs it. It's where she belongs. She loved my dad and they were just _right_. They adored each other. It didn't matter how many years they were married, they never stopped. I saw how they looked at each other. They are Emily and Richard and Emily on her own is - it's so wrong, Luke. They belong together."

Luke holds her closely and Lorelai sobs,

"When I was a kid I had this fantasy that they'd divorce and I'd get passed between them and they'd feel so guilty they'd let me do whatever I wanted, but I didn't want it to really. I should never have thought that."

"You were just a kid."

"But I'm not a kid now," Lorelai exclaims, her voice breaking. "I'm the grown-up, Rory and Mom need me, and I can't be what they need me to be."

"Yes, you can."

"No, I can't," Lorelai cries, shaking her head. "I'm the worse of the three of them, they'll back me up."

"They don't think that."

"No? Mom had the greatest marriage I've ever seen and she just did everything perfectly. Rory went to Yale and now she's this great journalist. They know what they're doing all the time and I feel like I'm juggling all these plates, all at once, and it never stops and I have to drop them but I can't drop them because if I do, it all falls apart. I know I'm not close with my mother but there's times when I just want to be a little kid again and let her be my mom, but I can't. Did you see how she looked, when we left? She kept saying _he promised to let me go first_ over and over. She needs me to look after her. She needs me to be the mother, for her and Rory, and I don't know how to do it. But I have to."

"Lorelai, you need to look after yourself too," Luke says softly. "You lost your dad."

"I know I lost my dad!" Lorelai shouts. "But I don't have time to let it hit me because I have to file my father's things and look after my mom and my kid and they need me, and I have to be strong for them, because if I can't I won't hold it together, and I have to hold it together."

"You don't have to all the time."

"But if I don't, who's going to take care of it?" Lorelai yells. "No one!"

Luke is silent and Lorelai laughs a little, wiping her eyes.

"You know what I keep thinking?" she asks, looking at Luke. "I keep thinking, where's Dad in all this? He'll know what to do. My dad was great at handling these kind of things - even when his mom died, and he was a mess, he got it together at the funeral - and I just want to find my dad and ask him what to do. He always helped, even when we were fighting. He paid for Rory's tuition, he helped with insurance for the inn, he helped with Yale. Rory wouldn't have gotten there without him. And I'm so tired, and I just want to go to my dad's office and show him all this stuff I need to do and let him help me with it. But he can't, because it's his will and papers. Isn't that ironic?"

"Yeah," Luke says as Lorelai starts crying again. "It is."

"And I like to act like I'm Wonderwoman," Lorelai says. "But it just feels like too much. I don't know what to do."

"Let me come with you tomorrow," Luke says. "You can't do it on your own."

"There'll be some kind of system."

"Well, I can pick it up. I've managed a diner for over twenty years."

Lorelai looks at him, taking a deep breath.

"Thank you," she says, letting it out in a sigh. "Thank you, Luke."

"It's okay. It's okay."

Lorelai nods, looks up and asks,

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Handle losing your mom and dad. God, you lost both your parents."

"I don't know," Luke says, his voice heavy. "I had to get through each day. Mom died when I was a kid but Dad needed help with the store. Liz wouldn't help and he didn't want her to anyway, because she was a girl, so I did it all. My dad didn't like talking about emotions so we never talked about my mom."

"That must have been hard on you."

"It was," Luke concedes, "but my dad said talking about her wouldn't change anything. He said that after I found this picture of her, when she was pregnant with me. He said she was gone and there was no use wishing she was back."

"Oh, Luke."

"It's okay," Luke says quickly. "It's just the guy he was. I missed my mother in my own way and then he died not too long after. I knew he wouldn't want me to sit there wishing he was back, so I just got on with turning his store into a diner."

Lorelai takes his hand, this time, and Luke admits,

"Sometimes I think it would've been nice to have had someone there, but I didn't."

"But you must have been so sad. How do you get through it?"

"You just try," Luke says. "And then you'll remember more of the good times than the bad. I know my father wasn't a perfect man, but when I think about him I remember more of the good stuff. Like when he taught me to fish, things like that."

"Yeah," Lorelai says softly and Luke adds,

"It's not always like that. I have my dark day, you know."

"This'll be my dark day," Lorelai says, sniffling. "Or will it be the day he actually died? God, it feels like every day since then has been a sucking black hole. How am I going to get out?"

"I'm here," Luke says, squeezing her hand. "You've got me and you've got Rory."

"Yeah," Lorelai says, tears dripping onto her smile. "I'd really like to call her. Do you think she's home yet?"

"She might be. Do you want me to call Jess?"

As if on cue, the phone rings and Luke and Lorelai jump. It's neither of their cellphones and Lorelai realises,

"It's the landline. Would you get it? I can't deal with some insurance call."

"Sure," Luke says and runs downstairs. When he answers, however, it's Rory.

"Hey Luke," she says, her voice paper-thin. "Is my mom there?"

"Sure," Luke says gently. "Are you okay, Rory?"

There's a pause and he winces.

"Stupid question. Let me get your mom. She thought you'd call her cellphone."

"I just wanted to call home," Rory says, her voice starting to catch. "I know it's stupid but I still have this number and I remembered how I called home before all of this and when we were happy and..."

Her words fade and Luke says,

"You don't have to explain. Wait there."

He runs up the stairs, two at a time, and hands the phone to Lorelai, telling her,

"It's Rory."

"Rory?" Lorelai echoes, taking it and turning away. "Rory, it's me. Oh, angel. Hey. I know. I know."

Luke backs out of the room, letting mother and daughter talk in peace when his own cellphone starts to ring. He starts in surprise, picking it up and going downstairs. It's his nephew. Luke goes into the kitchen, where Paul Anka is asleep in a basket. He whined when Lorelai came home, knowing something was wrong, but she didn't talk to him as usual. Paul Anka retreated to his basket, waiting for Lorelai to come back, and Luke absently rubs his head as he talks.

"Hey Jess," Luke says. "How is she?"

"She's terrible," Jess says frankly. "She keeps looking like she's about to cry but she won't. She's saying all these things she has to do, over and over, and I want to help her. She won't let me."

"Sounds like her mom."

Jess sighs down the phone, as clearly as though were standing in the room.

"I wish I could do something," he says. "I wish there was just something we could do."

"You can be there for her."

"I can't bring her grandfather back."

"No, but being there is the best thing you can do right now. Look after her, Jess."

"I'm trying," his nephew says quietly. They both pause and then Luke says,

"I wish you could have met your grandfather. He was a character."

"I thought you didn't like your dad."

"He was tough but I liked him," Luke says. "When he wasn't being a pill, which unfortunately he was, most of the time."

They both laugh and Luke says,

"But he was a decent man. He built the store from scratch, he was hardworking and he was funny. I think you get that from him."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. That and working hard."

"Luke," Jess says but he sounds genuinely pleased. Luke smiles and Jess says seriously,

"You're telling me to be there for her but I don't know how to."

"Yes, you do. Of course you do."

"I've never had a grandfather to lose," Jess says. "How can I tell Rory everything's going to be okay, that she won't feel like hell? Because she does and her grandfather's gone and I can't fix that."

"Jess, just tell her you love her. Listen to her. Let her say whatever it is she needs to say, even if you don't know what to say back. Don't tell her she's going to feel better soon, just let her grieve."

"Wow," Jess says, sounding impressed. "I don't remember that in the self-help book."

"Just take it from experience. When I lost my parents, I wish I'd had someone there. I pretended I didn't, because it's easier, but I wish I'd let someone help me. Don't let Rory do it all alone."

"I won't." There's a pause and Jess says, "She doesn't want to talk."

"She will. Just be patient."

Luke hears the words as someone else would and credits his nephew for not making a sarcastic comment.

"Yes, it's rich coming from me," he says, saying it for both of them. "Take it from a hothead who should have learned more patience earlier."

"I will," Jess says, laughing. "Well, I guess I'd better go. I don't want to still be talking when she hangs up the phone."

"Yeah, me too. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Great." There's a pause and Jess says, "She's never looked this way before."

"I know. It's going to be hard on you both."

"Yeah." Jess lets out a long, loaded breath. "I love her."

"I know you do. That already helps."

"I hope. Bye, Luke."

"See you, Jess."

Luke hangs up. Paul Anka has gone back to sleep and the house is horribly silent. Behind him is Rory's room and Luke wishes, more than anything, he could open the door and turn back time to when Rory lived at home and this hadn't happened yet. He wishes he could give Lorelai one of those days but can't and goes slowly up the stairs. Lorelai is still on the phone, clutching it to her ear, and he waits as she says,

"I love you so much, sweetie. If you need to come home, you can. Oh, I know you miss him. I miss him too, so much. Okay. Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Oh, it's okay if you need to call me before. Goodbye, honey. I love you. Bye."

She hangs up, drops the phone on the bed and turns to see Luke.

"Hey," she says, trying to smile. "She's such a great kid."

"I know she is."

"Was that Jess, calling you?"

"Yeah. He was just checking in."

"He's a great kid too," Lorelai says. "I'm sorry I didn't see it at first."

"That's okay."

"I wish Rory could have stayed," she says. "I know she had to get back but I miss her."

"I know you do."

Lorelai sits up, picking a fry from the plate. It must be cold but she chews it anyway and Luke bites his tongue, not saying that she should eat some more.

"Dad hated this kind of food," Lorelai remarks. "He'd be mad at me if he could see this. Remember that time he made me eat a grapefruit at the diner?"

"Yeah, I had to go and buy one."

"Maybe I should eat one every month in his memory," Lorelai muses. "Too bad I hate graprefruit. Maybe Sookie could do something less gross with them. The only less gross thing I can think of it is to pour sugar over it, which defeats the point, but maybe my dad would like the thought. Do you think he would?"

"Sure."

"Oh, he'd say I was ridiculous," Lorelai says sadly. She lies down on the bed again, closing her eyes.

Luke lies on the bed with her, wrapping his arms around her. Lorelai whispers something and he bends closer to hear her say,

"What am I going to do?"

"I'm here, Lorelai."

"I can't do this all on my own," Lorelai says, her voice breaking. "I can't do it by myself, I want my dad. I want my daddy. I miss him."

"I know. I know you do."

"I don't want do it alone."

"You're not on your own," Luke says, wiping a tear from her cheek. "You have me and I'm never leaving."

"Do you promise?" Lorelai asks, looking up and Luke nods.

"I swear. I'm staying right here."

Lorelai's breathing relaxes and Luke stays. He waits and waits as she falls asleep and still doesn't let go. Lorelai wakes, murmurs and falls back against his chest. He can see hard her grief is, the weight inside, but is willing to carry it and Lorelai rests. Neither are alone.


End file.
